Dear Woman: You Are Not Cold. You Are Not Frigid. You Are Healing.
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I’ve been told I’m sexy more times than I can count—by strangers, lovers, friends, men I wish I’d never let touch me.
But not once—not once—was I asked what I need to feel sexy.
Not once did someone say, “Are you okay? Do you feel safe? Are you in your body today?”
Because when I speak my truth—when I say I’m not horny, that my libido is low, that I need something deeper than just sex—I get the same line over and over:
“I’m sorry you’re so sexy.”
As if that’s supposed to be a compliment.
As if the problem is my body, not their lack of presence.
As if I should feel guilty for not giving in.
Let me be clear:
This is gaslighting dressed up in flattery.
And I’m done pretending it’s normal.
🖤 Sex Wasn’t Always This Complicated—But It Was Never Really Mine
I bartended at a strip club for ten years. A literal underground world. No sunlight, endless nights, sex sold by the hour, alcohol poured by the minute. Fast money. Faster expectations. Women pushed past their limits, men numbing their pain through fantasy.
I wasn’t dancing, but I was in it. Watching. Absorbing. Surviving.
And somewhere in all of that—the drug-fueled chaos, the unspoken trauma, the “be hot, stay cool, don’t feel”—my connection to desire warped.
Sex became a transaction. A currency. A game of control and performance.
Even after I left, it followed me. Into my relationships. Into my self-worth. Into the silence of a partner saying, “Why aren’t you ever horny?” like I was some broken toy he couldn’t figure out.
But the truth is—I’m not broken.
I’m healing.
⚠️ “Everyone’s Hornier Than You”: Let’s Talk About That
Someone I love and care deeply about recently said:
“Everyone is hornier than you.”
And yeah—it stung. But mostly, it confirmed everything I’ve felt for years:
That desire is expected of me. That my body should always be ready. That if I’m not interested in sex, I must be the problem.
But here’s what no one wants to admit:
Desire doesn’t grow in pressure.
It grows in presence.
In softness. In effort. In connection.
If I don’t feel safe—emotionally, physically, spiritually—my body will not respond. And why the hell should it?
Women aren’t machines. We’re wild systems of hormones, intuition, memory, and mood.
We don’t “just get horny.” We need time, trust, and truth.
💣 The Libido Lie: What’s Really Going On
Low libido isn’t just a bedroom issue. It’s an everything issue.
✨ I’ve been on birth control. It numbed me.
✨ I’ve been on Adderall. It wired me.
✨ I’ve worked in environments where being sexual was survival, not joy.
✨ I’ve had partners who thought sex would fix things when what I needed was to be held without expectation.
No wonder I’m not “horny.”
My nervous system is still recovering from a life I didn’t fully choose.
And let’s be honest—how can I feel turned on when I’m constantly in defense mode?
When my emotional needs aren’t being met?
When no one is slowing down enough to ask, “What would actually make you feel good right now?”
💥 Sexy Isn’t Consent. Desire Isn’t Owed.
Let me say it louder for the men in the back:
Just because I’m sexy doesn’t mean I owe you sex.
Just because I used to be more sexually available doesn’t mean I’m broken now.
Just because you want me doesn’t mean I want to be wanted like that.
The truth is—I do want to feel sexy.
But I want to feel sexy in my own timing. In my own body. For my own reasons.
Not because someone’s horny and I’m convenient.
🔥 Reclaiming My Body, One Honest No at a Time
I’m not here to perform. I’m not here to fix someone else’s needs at the cost of my own.
I’m here to remember what desire feels like when it’s sacred.
Not rushed. Not coerced. Not faked.
I’m learning to say no without guilt.
I’m learning to say yes when it’s a full-body yes, not an emotional survival tactic.
And most importantly—I’m learning that I don’t need to be “hornier” to be whole.
I am not broken. I am not cold.
I am reclaiming.
🐾 If You’ve Been Here Too…
To the woman reading this who has been shamed for not wanting sex…
Who has been called distant, dramatic, frigid, or complicated…
Who has felt the weight of someone else’s expectations on her skin…
This is your reminder:
Your no is powerful.
Your healing is holy.
And your desire will return when it’s ready—on your terms.
Let’s stop pretending horniness is the measure of our worth.
Let’s start asking what it means to feel truly alive in our own bodies again.
That’s where the real magic begins.
And when it does?
Watch out. Because that kind of desire? That kind of woman?
She’s not giving it out—she’s choosing it.
If this spoke to something deep inside you—share it. Speak it. Let it be heard.
Even though I’m not on social media right now, I welcome you to share this post if you feel called.
Because this conversation is bigger than me. It’s about us.
Tag it. Send it. Speak on it. Let other women know:
You are not broken. You are not alone. You are healing.
Until next time, as always, I'm rooting for you.
🖤 American Wilderness Woman